Got a toothbrush?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
