you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
