woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
