We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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