Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
