My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
