im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
