This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
