if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
