I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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