mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
