I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
