Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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