My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
