I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
