youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
my shit smells like andre
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
