Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
