why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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