its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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