cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We had to coat check the pizza.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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