my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
