i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
