I think I died a long time ago.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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