sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
