i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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