3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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