You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I can't turn off my feet"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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