two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
