You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
