I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
