I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
