mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
