It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
