i think i have two assholes
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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