Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
