Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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