I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
