So drunk its hurt
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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