i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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