I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
