What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
