my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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