sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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