Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
