Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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