There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
