I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
