If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
