Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
