Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
