if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
