I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
