Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sacagawea was the original milf.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
