please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
