I hate your face
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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