i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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