cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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