Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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