i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
